51: Lift That Fork, Eat That Snail

51. "South Carolina" by John Linnell [Video: nope]

They Might Be Giants have been together forever. So far as I know, there has never been so much as a threat of the band breaking up. (In fact, they are touring again this year, coming to Salt Lake City in early May.)

But, there was a time when the guys decided to do some solo side projects. Guitarist John Flansburgh formed a group by the name of Mono Puff and released two albums. (Included are fun songs such as "Night Security," about a night security guard and his giant key ring; "Guitar Was the Case," a jumping guitar instrumental; and "Nixon's the One," a song that extolls the many virtues of Richard Nixon.)(It's a very short song.)

Meanwhile, accordion guru John Linnell released a solo album titled "State Songs." Each song on the album had the title of a state, even though the songs themselves might have absolutely nothing to do with the state the song was named after.

The best of these songs is "South Carolina." It's a fun, upbeat tune about a guy riding a bicycle getting hit by a garbage truck, then receiving a large financial settlement as a result. 

This song is, for me, the ultimate workout song. When working out on my elliptical exercise machine, keeping up with the beat of this song is the absolute fastest that I can go. In fact, if I haven't been on the machine for a while, it will usually take me a month or two of working out before I can get to and maintain the speed of this song. 

Of course, thinking about garbage trucks brings to mind my days as a boy scout garbage collector back in Arimo. Do you think they'd allow that today? Twelve year old kids riding around in the back of a large open bed grain truck or, worse yet, hanging onto a ladder on the side of the truck. Or, how about kids riding in the back of said garbage truck on the way to the dump, throwing things out along the way? (Throwing rotten pumpkins out of the truck and watching them smash on the road was pretty fun. No wonder we liked David Letterman so much.) And, I'm pretty sure hanging on to the front of the truck bed as the hydraulics lifts it up to dump out the garbage would probably be frowned upon, too. {Luckily, we grew up in a time that wasn't too litigious.)

COMING UP NEXT: A song worth sluffing school for.

52: A Song About a Beverage

52. "Root Beer Rag" by Billy Joel [Video: Root Beer Rag.]

Growing up as a Mormon kid in southeast Idaho, I lived a pretty sheltered life. I didn't hear a lot of adults using casual profanity around children unless cows were somehow involved. (Working with cows brings out the swear words in even the most devout Mormons.)

So, I found it a bit jarring when my Grandpa Melton casually flung some profanity my way. Of course, he wasn't the typical Idaho Mormon farmer that I was used to dealing with. He was a hardened blue collar worker from the deep South. Still, it threw me off when I heard him cuss when the cussing wasn't in anger.

I remember two specific incidents. The first happened one day when I was relieving him from tractor-driving duty on the farm. He was helping my Dad on the farm, and he had been driving the big Case tractor for most of the day. I was going to take his place and drive the tractor for the rest of the day. When he got off the tractor he seemed to be in a good mood. He smiled at me and said, "Don't f**k up my tractor!" I was pretty much dumbfounded. I'd never had the "f" word thrown my direction like that before. I'm not sure if I even was able to muster a response.

What does this have to do with the HondoJoe Top 200? Well, the second time Grandpa Melton shot some unexpected profanity my way, it had a little something to do with this song.

I was with my Mom and Grandpa Melton, and we were shopping at the Cache Valley Mall in Logan, Utah. It was at some point after the release of Billy Joel's Songs In the Attic album. I had liked the album so much that I was going back and collecting the earlier albums that the songs on Song In the Attic originally came from.

On this particular day in Logan, I purchased a cassette of Billy Joel's album Streetlife Serenade. We were back in the car and Grandpa Melton started up a casual conversation with me. He asked me what I had purchased. I told him I bought some music. He asked what it was, and asked to look at the cassette. I took it out of my bag and gave it to him.

It was then that Grandpa Melton looked over the cassette in his hand, shook his head in disapproval, and dismissively said, "Streetlife serenade? Sh*t."

I'm not sure why he said it. Maybe he thought Billy Joel had no idea what "street life" was. Maybe he thought that a small town Idaho farm boy and "street life" had no business sharing the same automobile. Or, maybe he just wanted to say sh*t. I'm not really sure.

Of course, "Root Beer Rag" was one of the songs I discovered when I bought Streetlife Serenade, so I'm still glad I made that purchase, despite what my Grandpa might have thought of it at the time.

It's a fun song, and it brings to mind one of my favorite beverages. I like root beer. I like Virgil's, Henry Weinhard, A&W, Stewart's, Hire's, Barq's, and, of course, Mug. (Heck, I even like Shasta root beer!)

COMING UP NEXT: A song about a garbage truck?

53: Oh To Sleep, Perchance To Dream

53. "Mister Kingdom" by Electric Light Orchestra [Video: nope.]

Some songs have specific memories attached to them. This is one of those songs.

In the summer of 1981, when I had just turned 15 years old, I went on my first "high adventure" scouting hike/camp. We went to Copper Basin in the Sawtooth Mountains of central Idaho. We hiked several miles up into the mountains and set up our base camp (and "Cherry Hilton") near the banks of Long Lake. From that base, we spent the next several days engaged in fishing, day hikes, playing cards, and talking about girls.

The Copper Basin Crew: Yearsley, Scapell, me, Chris, the Tripp Brothers, Banyas, Uncle Ken, and Dean. (Not pictured: Chuck.)

I never was much of a fisherman, so one day, whilst everyone else was fishing or playing cards or discussing the physical attributes of Marsh Valley girls, I wandered off by myself.

Looking back, it was pretty irresponsible, both on my part and on the part of our leaders. (And we had several adult leaders on this trip.) It was probably not the wisest thing to have a 15 year old boy with no wilderness experience wandering around the mountain landscape by himself. But, there I was.

I took off hiking up a ridge to the south of our camp at Long Lake. Up there, I found majestic mountain beauty. There were green meadows and mountain ponds nestled beneath the rugged Sawtooth peaks. And, I found solitude. I don't think I saw another soul during my solo hike, which is a rarity, even up in the untamed wilderness. (As we found out a couple years later during the infamous nude sunbathing incident.)

It was an almost spiritual experience for me; the closest I've ever been to being "one with nature." (Not that I could have survived in that state for very long before desperately needing to return to camp to eat one of my pre-packed dehydrated meals.)

And while I was having this "Rocky Mountain High" experience, the song that kept going through my brain was "Mister Kingdom" by ELO. "I can dream of flying high, above the city's cares, and never be afraid of anyone, 'cause there ain't no one there."

It was one of the most peaceful times I've ever had, and I often think of it when I hear this song.

"Looking from this empty room, the corridors of endless gloom go crawling through the night to meet the dawn that's on its way. Oh, to sleep, perchance to dream, to live again those joyous scenes, the laughter and the follies that are locked inside my head."

COMING UP NEXT: A cold, refreshing beverage.

54: Are You Ready Steve?

54. "Ballroom Blitz" by Sweet {#5; 6/75} [Video: Ballroom Blitz.]

Here we have four young lads from England, with their long hair, makeup, sequins, blouses, capes, and tight shiny pants who ask the age-old musical question, "Are you ready Steve?"

This song gets major points in a lot of different areas:
*Great rock and roll guitar and drums.
*Some really good "Yeah, yeahs."
*A great sense of humor.
*Some fun lyrics.
*Flamboyant vocals.
*A band roll call. (Andy? Steve? Mick?)
*Flare!

You know, as I think about it, almost everything I mentioned above could also be used to describe the group Queen. It makes me wonder how much of an influence Sweet had on the formation and function of Queen.

Sweet had a couple of other songs that got serious consideration for the HondoJoe Top 200. "Fox On the Run," and "Love Is Like Oxygen" are both some pretty amazing songs.

But, it's "Ballroom Blitz" that earns the top Sweet spot. It's got some great lyrics, such as: "Reaching out for something, but touching nothing's all I ever do."

The song also features two main characters, The Man In the Back and The Girl In the Corner. Let's compare and contrast:

The Man In the Back
Eyes are as red as the sun
Said, "Everyone attack."
Is ready to crack.
Raises his hands to the sky.

The Girl In the Corner
Let no one ignore her.
Thinks she's the passionate one.
Said, "Boy, I want to warn you it'll turn into a ballroom blitz."
Is everyone's woman.
Could kill you with the wink of her eye.

COMING UP NEXT: Hey there, mister.

55: A Humiliating Kick In the Crotch

55. "Synchronicity II" by The Police {#16; 11/83} [Video: Synchronicity II.]

Back in the day I used to really dislike this song. Yes, really dislike.

Up until the point that this song was released as a single, I kinda liked most of the stuff I had heard by the Police. But, I was starting to find them a bit pretentious and overbearing. Arrogance; they were smart and they knew it.

And then, the video for this song pushed it over the edge. The video is set on a post-apocalyptical ship--dirty, grungy, and literally littered with lots and lots of floating pieces of paper. (I mean seriously, where is this post-apacalyptical ship getting all this paper to flit about?) In the video, Sting looks like he's Billy Idol coming from a casting call to be a pickpocket in Oliver!

I couldn't stand this song!

It didn't help that it is pretty boring musically. There's no great sing-along chorus. No hand-claps or catchy "na-nas." Just some full-of-himself nitwit droning on about something happening "many miles away."

I did not like this song!

But, as an adult, I gradually changed my mind. So much so that instead of hating the song, I now list it as #55 on my favorite song list.

Why the change of heart?

Well, I actually listened to the lyrics.

Yes, Sting can be a pretentious noob, but I can accept that now because he's earned that right. He's pretentious for a reason. The song doesn't have a whole lot going for it musically, but it does have three hall of fame level bits of lyrics. Here they are:

#3. "Another working day has ended
        Only the rush hour hell to face
        Packed like lemmings into shiny metal boxes
        Contestants in a suicidal race."

I've been that lemming. I've raced that race. I've faced that hell. (Nice work, Sting!)

#2. "We have to shout above the din of our Rice Krispies."

I don't care who you are, that's good writing right there! Snap! Crackle! Pop! Why does the cereal have to be so darned loud?!?

#1. "Every single meeting with his "so-called" superior is a humiliating kick in the crotch!"

Quite possibly the greatest single line in the history of rock and roll music!

COMING UP NEXT: Are you ready? Yes, I'm ready.

56: Time Was On My Side

56. "Born To Be Alive" by Patrick Hernandez {#16; 6/79} [Video: Born to be Alive. (One of the worst, most boring, inconsequential videos you will ever see.)(If you even bother to watch it.)]


"We were born to be alive." It's a good sentiment. It's a true statement. It's got a good beat and you can dance to it. It's an early "wheelhouse" song, bringing back memories from the old junior high days.

I really didn't realize how little there was to this song lyrically until I tried to pick out lyrics for the title of this post. When picking my post titles, I generally try to pick memorable lyrics from the song that don't include lyrics from the song title. That was particularly difficult with this song, because about 93% of the memorable lyrics consist of the line "born to be alive."

Oh well, it's still a great song.

And now, because no one asked for it, my 15 favorite people named "Patrick" from pop culture:

15. Patrick Dempsey.

Jealous because no one has ever called me "McDreamy."

14. Patrick Roy

I used to hear on the radio about a hockey goalie named "Patrick Wah," and I would read in the paper about a hockey goalie named "Patrick Roy." It took me quite a while to figure out it was the same guy. Stupid French and their stupid pronunciations!

13. St. Patrick

I'm still holding a grudge from that time in 5th grade when I didn't wear green and got pinched multiple times.

12. Patrick Ewing

Never been a big fan of any of the Knickerbockers.

11. Patrick Duffy

Did great on "The Man From Atlantis," but after that most of his work was just a bad dream.

10. Patrick

I always like the dumb guys.

9. Robert Patrick

Don't make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

8. Butch Patrick

King of the widow's peak!

Still Butch Patrick

Butch gets added points for looking an awful lot like Pete Rose.

7. Patrick Hernandez

Nice cane!

6. Danica Patrick

She's much more attractive than most race car drivers. (Yes, even Cale Yarborough.)

5. Dan Patrick

Dan Patrick higher than Danica Patrick??? Yes. She may be cute, but he is "en fuego!"

4. Patrick Swayze

Sure, he made Ghost, Dirty Dancing, Red Dawn, and Road House,  but the pinnacle of his career had to be this Saturday Night Live sketch with Chris Farley!

3. Neil Patrick Harris

How awesome is Neil Patrick Harris? So awesome he can make it all the way to #3 on a list of favorite Patricks even though Patrick is neither his first name nor his last name!

2. Patrick Warburton

Solid dude.

1. Patrick Stewart

Was there ever any doubt?  Make it so!

COMING UP NEXT: Snap! Crackle! Pop! Shut up!

57: Take a Look At Me Now

57. "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins {#1; 2/84} [Video: Against All Odds. (Featuring Phil Collins, Jeff Bridges, James Wood, and, oh yes, Rachel Ward.)]

Yes, it's another song from the wheelhouse. And, another song from Phil Collins, right as he was reaching the peak of his power.

It's a great song, full of piano, intensity, and some nifty drums. "Take a look at me now."

Unfortunately, Phil Collins has tried a little too hard over the years to get us to take a look at him now.
His first solo album was called "Face Value," and this was the album cover:

Hey, it's a close-up picture of the face of Phil Collins!

I guess this is kind of understandable, because the name of the album is "Face Value," and there's a close-up picture of his face. But then came the next album:

Hey, it's a close-up picture of the face of Phil Collins!

Well, what do you know? It's another close-up of his face. That's okay, I'm sure by the next album he'll….

Hey, it's a close-up picture of the face of Phil Collins!

I'm starting to sense a trend here. How about the next album?

Hey, it's a close-up picture of the face of Phil Collins!

Seriously? Seriously? Let me guess what's next:

Hey, it's a close-up picture of the face of Phil Collins!

Well, you can pretty much bet the house on what will be on the next album cover:

Hey, it's a picture of Phil Collins that isn't a close up picture of his face!

(I really hope you didn't bet your house on that album cover.) And while it seems a bit silly to have a dancing Phil Collins on an album cover, it's good to see that he is finally branching out, having fun, and not going back to the same old….

Hey, it's a close-up picture of the face of Phil Collins!

Oh, whatever!

Why do I bring all this up? It's because, for me, there is one Phil Collins album cover that stands out, head and shoulders above and beyond the rest of them. Which one? Is it the one with the close-up picture of his face? Nope, it's this one:

News flash: Rachel Ward is better looking than Phil Collins!!!

So, yes, against all odds there is a Phil Collins album cover that I really, really like!

COMING UP NEXT: Why are we here?