107: A Number I Can Always Dial For Assistance

107. "Sometimes a Fantasy" by Billy Joel {#36; 10/80} [iTunes? Yes] {Video: Sometimes a Fantasy. I had never seen this video before. Sorry, but it is not a good video. Billy looks especially creepy, and the crotch shots at the end of the video are particularly disturbing. (Plus, what are the chances a guy that looks like Billy Joel could ever get a woman that attractive? I mean, really?)}

There are a lot of good reasons why this song is on the list: 1) Rocking guitars! 2) Phone-dialing sound effects! C) It's a great exercise song! (It even gets a little faster towards the end, for a good exercising kick.) And, 4) There's a hint of "unrequitedness" to it, based on the fantasy vs. reality aspects of the lyrics.

But, come on, we all know the real reason this song is on the list:

Pants!!!

Yes, that's right, I said pants!

I'm not really sure why, but the idea of a grown-up, successful rock star like Billy Joel panting into the telephone in the middle of a song was especially funny and/or "cool" to a young teenage boy. (Not that I ever openly did any heavy breathing into a telephone.) (At least not on purpose.)

It's funny, but back in the day I....wait, what's that? That smell. What is that smell? Is it? Could it possibly be? Yes! Rich Corinthian leather!!!

Sometimes a Fantasy is all you need!

Scene: People are departing from a small airplane as TATTOO and MR. ROARKE watch.
TATTOO: "Boss, who is that? She looks like a nice lady."

MR. ROARKE: "Ah, Tattoo, she is a very nice lady. That is Ms. Wanda Jenkins, a secretary from Topeka, Kansas."

Ms. Jenkins takes a sip from a drink with an umbrella in it.

TATTOO: "What is her fantasy?"

MR. ROARKE: "She simply wants to have a nice, quiet, relaxing weekend in a tropical island paradise."

TATTOO: "Sounds like an easy fantasy, Boss."

MR. ROARKE: "Ah, it's never as easy as it sounds, Tattoo. What Ms. Jenkins doesn't realize is how the decisions she makes on her nice, quiet, relaxing weekend in a tropical island paradise could mean the difference between a healthy-looking vacation suntan and a deadly, debilitating sunburn!"

"Sometimes a fantasy is all you need!"

COMING UP NEXT: Where's Peter Tork?

108: The More I Learn, Well, the Less That I Know

108. "Borrowed Time" by Styx {#64; 3/80} [iTunes? Yes] {Video: Nope.}

"Don't look now, but here come the 80s!"
"I'm so confused by the things I read. I need the truth, but the truth is I don't know who to believe."

Here we go. It's a great mix between synthesizers and guitars. I especially like the "Yes! No!" interlude in the middle of the song.

This is one of those "why wasn't that a bigger hit?" songs. Really? Only #64 on the charts? Ridiculous! It probably didn't help that it was the third single released from the album "Cornerstone," after "Babe" and "Why Me." Why "Why Me?" "Borrowed Time" is a much, much better song.

Looking at the HondoJoe Top200, Styx has got to be the most under-represented group. This is the first time they've popped up on the list, and there are only two more songs by Styx yet to come. They had lots of great albums, most notably "The Grand Illusion" and "Pieces of Eight." (I've always wondered if "Pieces of Eight" would have sold better if a more attractive, younger woman had been featured on the cover instead of the woman they chose.)

Surely there were more attractive album cover models in 1978. (Maybe even one named Shirley.)

That said, at least the "Pieces of Eight" cover was more interesting than the "Cornerstone" cover:

Feet? Sand? Flashlight?-----Yawn.

COMING UP NEXT: Pants!

109: Sunscreen All Over Your Face

109. "Bring On the Change" by Midnight Oil [iTunes? Yes] {Video: Nope.}

Ah, Midnight Oil! Now there's a great rock band! (With a freakishly charismatic lead singer.)

This song is a cut from Midnight Oil's 1996 album "Breathe," three albums and over eight years removed from their breakthrough album "Diesel and Dust." To the untrained eye (or ear,) Midnight Oil is a "one-hit wonder" band, as they only had one song make the Top 40. (Besides "Beds Are Burning" they had two other songs make the Billboard Hot 100, "The Dead Heart" and "Blue Sky Mine.")

Of course, Midnight Oil is much, much better than the run of the mill "one-hit wonder." The album this song comes from, "Breathe," had a couple of songs that made at least a blip on the scene. I heard the song "Underwater" on the radio a few times, and I saw them perform "Surf's Up Tonight" on Letterman. (Well, not literally on Letterman. On his show, near Letterman.) Both are very good songs, but this one is better.

"Bring On the Change" has a great, driving rhythm that makes me want to bob my head to the music. It's a great "pump you up" song. The lyrics? I'm sure it's some kind of environmental thing. Midnight Oil likes the environmental stuff.

COMING UP NEXT: Don't look now, but here come the 80s.

110: Genuflect Beneath the Starry Sky

110. "Smile" by the Jayhawks [iTunes? Yes] {Video: Nope.}

I had never heard this song. I had never heard of the Jayhawks. And then one day it happened that I was watching me some television. (So unusual for me, right?) A commercial came on for TNT (or possibly TBS) promoting their airing of the movie Girl, Interrupted starring Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie.

Remember when Winona Ryder was a bigger star than Angelina Jolie?

I hadn't seen the movie. I still haven't. I had no desire to see the movie. I still don't.

But, the song that was playing during the commercial grabbed my attention. It was haunting and catchy, and I had to find out what it was. So, I used my superior skills at searching for things on the interwebs, and I ended up buying an album by the group Wilco. Their song "How to Fight Loneliness" is on the soundtrack of the movie, and includes the lyrics "Smile all the time" in it. But, it wasn't the song that haunted me from the commercial.

So, I went back to my search, trying desperately to remember the little snippet of the song I had heard. And then, finally, I found it! The song was titled "Smile," and the group was the Jayhawks. They are described as an alt-country band from Minnesota.

The song is very similar to the song of the same name, "Smile" by PoP Is ArT, which was featured on this list back at #160. The Jayhawks' song is a bit slower and more melancholy. 

"Wake up. Put your shoes on. Take a breath of the northern air. And rub those eyes. Genuflect beneath the starry skies."

"Before you climb the mountain, first the foothills must appear."

"Take up your staff and shining armor."

"Chin up, chin up. You don't really have a problem. Chin up, chin up, in your hour of despair."

"Smile when you're down and out."

I bought the album the song is from, which is also titled "Smile." It is an excellent album. Apparently, fans of the band didn't like it because it was too "pop" and not enough "country." Me, I'm a "pop" kind of guy. I sampled a couple of other albums by the Jayhawks, but found them to be too "country" and not enough "pop." But, the "Smile" album and song are both very, very good.

----------------------------

[I had another of those "What was that song?" moments a year and a half ago or so. I was at work, listening to the alt-rock station (before it changed format to become Salt Lake's fourteenth "classic rock" station), when a song wrenched me out of my chair and grabbed my attention. It was a fast-paced, jamming, rocking song, and it featured what I believe were oboes!!! Jamming, rocking oboes!!! Unfortunately, I don't remember a single lyric from the song. And, of course, the radio station didn't bother to tell me the name of the song, or who performed it.

So, I'm left with trying to find a song based on these slim clues:

1) A fast-paced, hard-driving, rocking song.

2) Rock and roll oboes!!! (Or something that sounded to me like oboes.)

3) The radio station that played the song. That particular station (at the time) was playing "alternate rock" from the early 80s up through current releases. So, that doesn't narrow down the time-frame of when this song came out very well.

4) And that's about it. That's all I have to go on.

My best lead would appear to be the rock and roll oboes. But, I haven't had any luck. My oboe googlings have been futile thus far. Of course, it might not have been an oboe. It might have been something that I thought sounded like an oboe. (Kind of like I thought the guitars on "In a Big Country" sounded like bagpipes.) But, I will say that I know a little more about rock and roll oboes than most people. The song "It Wasn't My Idea to Dance" by The Move prominently features some rock and roll oboe, a bit of knowledge that I have that would put me at least a couple of standard deviations above the norm on the bell curve of "Rock and Roll Oboe Knowledge by the General Population."

 

I'm afraid I'll never know what my "Rock and Roll Oboe" song is.]

 

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COMING UP NEXT: These Oilers aren't from Houston.

111: Please Explain the Meaning of This Song You Sing

111. "Jungle" by Electric Light Orchestra [iTunes? Yes] {Video: Nothing official, but here's this: Jungle.}

"I said, 'Now please explain the meaning of the song you sing.'"
"Wondrous is the great blue ship that sails around the mighty sun, and joy to everyone that rides along."

Here's another great song off of ELO's incredible "Out of the Blue" album. It's a rarity: a double album that actually has two album's worth of good songs on it.

"Pretty soon I knew the tune, and we sat and sang under the moon. And the jungle rang in perfect harmony."

Bonus points for the alarm clock sound effect at the end.

COMING UP NEXT: If you chance to meet a frown, do not let it stay.

112: It's Not the Ribbons In Your Hair

112. "Just What I Needed" by the Cars {#27; 6/78} [iTunes? Yes] {Video: Nope. All I found was an old blurry one with the singing and lip movements totally out of synch.}

I will posit that this song has one of the best beginnings of any rock or pop song ever!

The guitar goes: "da-da-da-da-da-da-DJUH! da-da-da-da-da-da-DJUH! da-da-da-da-da-da-DJUH! da-da-da-da-da-da-DJUH! da-da-da-da-da-da-DJUH-DJUH! da-da-da-da-da-da-DJUH-DJUH! da-da-da-da-da-da-DJUH-DJUH! da-da-da-da-da-da-DJUH-DJUH!"

When I'm listening to this song, every time I hear a "DJUH!", I have an "involuntary" convulsion. There aren't many songs that "make" me actually physically move every time I hear them. The opening of this song is one of them. (Off the top of my head, the only other two I can think of are when that one note hits during "Owner of the Lonely Heart" by Yes, and the spastic piano-pounding bits in "All For Leyna" by Billy Joel, which "force" my hands to uncontrollably pound the steering wheel as if it were a piano.)

Unfortunately, this is the only song from The Cars on the HondoJoe Top 200. They had a lot of honorable mention songs, like "Tonight She Comes," "Shake It Up," "You Might Think," among others. They also came out with a new album a couple of years ago which was surprisingly good, full of nice riffs and fun hand-claps. I like The Cars. (Their debut album is one of the best debut albums of all time!)

Also, Ric Ocasek gives me hope that I don't have to be handsome to be successful.

Hey Ric, why the long face?

[NOTE: This post was edited to change the guitar sound effect of "DJAH" to "DJUH," because I idiotically didn't know how to correctly spell the sound a guitar makes.]

COMING UP NEXT: Lions and tigers and bears! Oh my!

113: I'm Not Expecting to Grow Flowers In the Desert

113. "In a Big Country" by Big Country {#17; 10/83} [iTunes? Yes] {Video: In a Big Country.}

"I've never seen you look like this without a reason."

I remember when this song first came out I was pretty amazed that they were able to make their guitars sound like bagpipes. And yes, I liked the fact that the guitars sounded like bagpipes.

This is, of course, one of the best examples of a group using the name of their band as lyrics in one of their songs. So here, because no one asked for it, here are the Top 10 Uses of a Band Name In Their Own Song:

10. ELO: "Shine a Little Love"--As the song begins to fade, you can hear the band sing its own name.

9. Talk Talk: "Talk Talk"--These songs aren't being listed in order of the best song, just the best use of the band name in the song. (Because "Shine a Little Love" is a much better song than "Talk Talk.")

8. Queen: "Killer Queen"--Might by higher, but I'm not sure if the use of the word "queen" is just a use of the word "queen" or the use of the band name.

7. Who: "Who Are You?"--Same thing I just said about Queen.

6. Bad Company: "Bad Company"--'Til the day I die.

Bad Company, looking like they are living up to their name.

5. They Might Be Giants: "They Might Be Giants"--And what are we gonna do unless they are? (Tabloid footprints in your hair. Tabloid footprints everywhere!)

4. Survivor: "Eye of the Tiger"--No one had heard of Survivor when this song came out. But afterwards, everyone was singing about the "last known survivor."

3. Living In a Box: "Living In a Box"--That's a four word band name, which is much harder to pull off than "Queen" or "Who." Also, the lead singer from Living In a Box was surprisingly handsome. It's too bad it looks like they put all of their apples in the "Living In a Box" box.

Too good looking to be living in a box.

2. Big Country: "In a Big Country"--They were a talented group. It's too bad they didn't have any other big hits. (Although "Fields of Fire" is a pretty darn good song.)

1. Wang Chung: "Everybody Have Fun Tonight"--Sorry, Big Country, but Wang Chung wins here. Any time you can successfully turn the name of your band into a verb, and not just any verb, but a verb with undetermined, vague, and possibly comical and/or sexual meaning, you have won. Congratulations, Wang Chung! Go out and Wang Chung tonight, you deserve it!


[NOTE: This post has been edited to include Survivor in the list at #4. Because I am an idiot.]


COMING UP NEXT: You can't always get what you want. (But if you try sometimes….)

114: I Don't Want You Back for the Weekend

114. "Walking On Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves {#9; 3/85} [iTunes? Yes.] {Video: Walking On Sunshine.}

What's not to like? It's a fun, bouncy, happy, feel-good, joyous, smiley song! You'd have to be a mean, nasty grumpus to not like this song.

Katrina was born in Kansas, but the band is from England. The song was written by one of the Waves, a guy by the name of Kimberley Rew. (A guy named Kimberley? Who knew?)

"Now every time I go for the mailbox, gotta hold myself down. 'Cause I just can't wait 'til you write me you're coming around."

COMING UP NEXT: It's not a song about Luxembourg.

115: One Look From You, I Drift Away

115. "You Got It" by Roy Orbison {#9; 1/89} [iTunes? Yes.] {Video: You Got It.}

Ah, that voice!

This song has a few things going for it. 1) It is co-written and produced by Jeff Lynne. (Also co-written by Tom Petty.) 2) I put it on an early mix-tape I made for my wife. C) That voice!

Roy Orbison: The Other Man In Black

"Anything you want, you got it. Anything you need, you got it."

COMING UP NEXT: The next wave.

116: In Your Satin Tights

116. "Wonder Woman Theme" by Charles Fox, Norman Gimbel, and the Ron Hicklin Singers [iTunes? I don't think anything I see there is the original version.] {Video: Wonder Woman (Season 1), or, if you like your Wonder Woman theme to be less cartoony and more Lynda Carter-y: Wonder Woman (Season 2).}

"In your satin tights, fighting for your rights and the old red, white and blue."
"Make a hawk a dove. Stop a war with love. Make a liar tell the truth."

Now here's a song that brings back childhood memories. Good childhood memories! And if you think I'm going to list the theme from Wonder Woman without posting a picture of Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman, well, you don't know me very well!

Ah, those satin tights!

Those stars be spangled!

Seriously, I don't know how Lyle Waggoner was able to take his eyes off of her long enough to read his cue cards!

They don't make tv theme songs like they used to. Some shows barely have theme songs at all. (The theme from The Good Wife consists of three notes! And they aren't very dynamic or memorable notes at that!) Sure, there are a few holdovers with good theme songs, like The Big Bang Theory and Psych, but they are now the outliers.

Of course, they don't make Wonder Women like they used to, either. I realize it would be difficult for anyone to live up to the complete and total Wonder Womaniness of Lynda Carter, but from what little I've seen, Gal Gadot is seriously lacking.

Oh well, we'll always have Lynda!

COMING UP NEXT: Where there's a Wilbury, there's a way.

117: Egg On Your Face and Mud On Your Shoes

117. "Sowing the Seeds of Love" by Tears for Fears {#2; 9/89} [iTunes? Yes] {Video: Sowing the Seeds of Love.}

After making so many disparaging remarks about the looks of the likes of Rik Ocasek, the J. Geils Band, and Slade, I feel I should give credit where credit is due. Roland and Curt from Tears for Fears are a couple of pretty, pretty men!

That's a big chair!

It never really dawned on me how Beatle-esque this song is until a few years ago when I heard a local DJ do a bit of a parody of this song by calling it "Stealing the Beatles Songs." And now, looking at the video, it does have a bit of a trippy, psychedelic feel to it.

"Time to eat all your words. Swallow your pride. Open your eyes."
"The love train rides from coast to coast. Every minute and every hour. I love a sunflower. And I believe in love power."

COMING UP NEXT: Those stars be spangled!

118: Who's Your Superman?

118. "White Wedding" by Billy Idol {#36; 5/83} [iTunes? Yes] {Video: White Wedding.}

"Hey little sister, what have you done?"
"It's a nice day to start again."

Sneer's to you!

This is an excellent sing-along song. But, you can't just casually sing-along. You have to really get into it with the yelps, the war-cries, and the "Start again!!!"s. At full volume. (That's where it helps that I'm usually alone in my truck when I'm singing.)

And, you know, now that I look at it I really think if you did Conan O'Brien's old "If They Mated" bit with Billy Idol and Colin Hay it would come out looking just like Sting. ("The pretzels are no longer complimentary.") 

COMING UP NEXT: The Return of Roland!

119: Ride the Range All the Day

119. "Wild West Hero" by Electric Light Orchestra [iTunes? Yes] {Video: Wild West Hero. (I doubt you needed it, but here is visual proof that afros and cowboy hats don't mix.)}

"Ride the range all the day, 'til the first fading light. Be with my western girl 'round the fire, oh so bright. I'd be the Indians' friend, let them live to be free. Riding into the sunset, I wish I could be."

This is a great song from the "Out of the Blue" album. I especially like the old-timey western piano interlude, and the guitar interlude.

Although, I'm not really sure how this songs fits in with the spaceship motif of the "Out of the Blue" album. One of the best album covers ever! Yes, I had the poster up on my wall. I think it was the only poster I had on my wall as a kid. It was an awesome poster! (Although, if it had been up to me I probably would have preferred the Cheryl Tiegs pink bikini poster. I don't think mom or dad would have approved.)

Space. The final frontier.

COMING UP NEXT: Nuptials!

120: I Really Wish I Was Less of a Thinking Man

120. "Sleeping with the Television On" by Billy Joel [iTunes? Yes] {Video: Sadly, none.}

Ah, chock full of great lyrics!

"I've been watching you waltz all night, Diane."
"They never notice the zap gun in your hand until you're pointing it and stunning their senses."
"Tonight, unless you take some kind of chances, dear, tomorrow morning you'll wake up with the white noise."
"Your eyes are saying 'talk to me, talk to me,' but your attitude is 'boy, don't waste my time.'"
"I won't say a word, 'cause it just might be the same old line."
"It just might be somebody else's same old line."
And, my absolute favorite:
"I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more a fool who's not afraid of rejection."

Wow! What a great song! Once again, just like I did with "Closer to the Borderline," I look at those lyrics and think I have this song far too low on this list. This is becoming a trend with songs from the "Glass Houses" album.

I didn't used to sleep with the television on. Only in the last year or two of my single-ness did I start leaving the television on at night, and then I would often hit the "Sleep" feature that would shut it off after an hour or two.

But, now that I am married (and work a schedule with very weird sleeping hours) I find myself sleeping with the television on more and more often. Unfortunately, I've found that there are some shows you DO NOT want to wake up to in the middle of the night. Mostly these have to do with volume levels. What might be an acceptable volume level for one show might be ear-splitting for another show.

So, here are four shows I have woken up to in the middle of the night that are absolutely TERRIBLE to wake up to:

4. Charmed

Attractive women in an unwatchable show.

I'll often fall asleep to Smallville at three in the morning, only to wake to this snoozefest a couple of hours later.

3. Mad Money

The epitome of the know-nothing know-it-all.

It's not fun to wake up to this loud doofus blathering on about things he thinks he's absolutely positive about. (Did I mention he's loud?)

2. The Nanny

If your volume is at Level 10, her voice will make you think it's at Level 22.

If the sound is on at all, her voice will burrow into your brain, like that bug that climbed into Chekov's ear. (But, if the sound is down….)

1. Meet the Browns

His voice is louder than his clothes.

If you have ever seen even two minutes of this show, you know what I'm talking about. If you have never seen any of this show, take my advice and DON'T DO IT!!!

COMING UP NEXT: James T. West and Artemus Gordon?